The Smart Samaritan
1. Just then a lawyer stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he said,
"what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 2. Jesus said to him, "What is
written in the Law? What do you read there?" He answered, "You shall
love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and
with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as
yourself." 3. And Jesus said to him, "You have given the right answer;
do this, and you will live." 4. But wanting to justify himself, he
asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?"
5. Jesus replied, "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,
and fell into the hands of robbers. Fortunately, the man from Jerusalem
was no fool and was carrying a big wooden club. So he beat the robbers
senseless. Just then, a Samaritan came by to help him. 6. The man
said to the Samaritan, "Don't worry. They got what they deserved."
Later, though, the robbers' friends waylaid the man. Together they had
four clubs, so they beat up the man from Jerusalem. 7. Immediately the
Samaritan, who had now learned a lesson, ran away, and sold his field,
and with the money he purchased ten clubs. 8. The Samaritan armed his
entire family, including his wives, his sons, his slaves and all his
cattle and sheep. Among his heavily armed family was his elder son, who
was angry at his father for not treating him as well his younger
brother, who had spent all his money on loose living and had returned
and was given a feast." 9. "Lord, I'm getting confused," said the
lawyer. "Weren't we talking about being a good neighbor?"
10. "Let me finish," said Jesus. "The father knew that his son was
angry, and potentially dangerous, so the father purchased an even bigger
club that he hid under his bed. 11. That night, when father was
asleep, the son came to father to apologize for being envious. The
father, thinking it was a robber, hit him over the head. 12. Now which
of these three, do you think, was a wise person?" said Jesus. 13. The
lawyer said, "Actually, none of them. If the father hadn't brought
those weapons into his house, then no one would have gotten hurt."
Jesus was grieved at the lawyer's blindness. 14. "You're missing the
point." Jesus said. "It's a violent world out there, and my advice is to
purchase as many clubs as you can." The lawyer was sad, for he was a
peaceful man. 15. "Lord," he said, "are you saying I should be like the
Samaritan who has a houseful of weapons?" "Yes," said Jesus. "Go and
do likewise. And while you're at it, buy me a club too."
The New Sermon on the Mount
1. When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain; and after he
sat down, his disciples came to him. Then he began to speak, and taught
them, saying: 2. "Blessed are those who know how to defend themselves,
for they will be secure. Blessed are those who arm themselves, for they
will not be sorry. Blessed are those with one club, for they will be
safe. 3. How much more blessed are those with two clubs, for they will
be able to win a fight with those with one club. 4. Let the one who has
two clubs buy four, and the one who has four buy ten. Let them
increase clubs a hundredfold and a thousandfold." 4. "But woe to you
with no clubs, for you are asking for trouble. Woe to you who don't arm
yourselves heavily, for you're just begging for people to steal your
stuff. And I say, woe to you peacemakers, for you are wasting your
time." 5. The disciples were amazed. "Lord," said Nathaniel, "Did you
just say 'Woe to the peacemakers?' The last time you spoke on the
Mount, you said they were blessed." 6. "I changed my mind," said Jesus.
"Trying to make peace is impossible. Consider the world around you.
Look at the beasts of the field. Do they not fight? Do they not tear
each other apart with their sharp teeth? 7. It's super dangerous. Do
you think anyone can make peace? It's a waste of time." 8. The
disciple whom Jesus loved said, "Lord, did you not tell us to love our
enemies and pray for those who persecute us?" 9. "I'm re-evaluating
that too," said Jesus. 10. The crowd began to murmur.
"Quiet!" said Jesus, rebuking them with a word. "Look," said Jesus,
"talking about peace and nonviolence is fine until someone asks for your
cloak, which is exactly what happened to me yesterday. 11. A beggar
tried to take my cloak." The disciples waited on his word. "Do you
know what I did when he tried to take my cloak?" said Jesus. 13. James
answered, "Lord, did you give him your cloak and some food as well?"
"Are you kidding?" said Jesus, who was angry. "How long must I be with
you? I beat him with my club. 14. That will teach people to try to
take my clothes. That cloak cost five talents." The disciples were
filled with confusion and wondered what sort of teaching this was. 15.
"Lord, how can we accept this teaching? It seems a violent way to
live." they said. "What about turning the other cheek?" Jesus looked
at them with pity. 16. "Accept it or not," he said. "All I can say is:
Don't be a wimp."
Jesus Takes Care of Business in Gethsemane
1. While Jesus was speaking, Judas, one of the twelve, arrived; with
him was a crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests and the
elders of the people. 2. Now, the betrayer had given them a sign,
saying, "The one I will kiss is the man; arrest him." At once he came up
to Jesus and said, "Greetings, Rabbi!" and kissed him. Jesus said to
him, "Friend, do what you are here to do." 3. Then they came and laid
hands on Jesus and arrested him. 4. Suddenly, one of those with Jesus
put his hand on his sword, drew it, and struck the slave of the high
priest, cutting off his ear. 5. Then Jesus said, "Good job! Cut off
his other ear, too." The disciples were amazed. But Jesus only
repeated more loudly, "Cut off his other ear!" The disciples were
shocked. 6. "Lord, didn't you say, 'All who take the sword will perish
by the sword'?
7. Jesus said, "That was before I noticed that everybody else was
armed to the teeth. How else will we be able to protect ourselves? Now
I think that everyone needs free access to clubs, knives, swords,
pretty much anything to defend themselves. 8. It's a dangerous world
out there. Even this garden isn't safe." Jesus looked at the disciples
with pity, for they still did not understand. 9. "Wake up," said
Jesus. "Rome is corrupt and is likely to invade your houses. There are
lots of brigands around too. Plus, the end of the world is coming, at
least some time. That means every disciple for himself." 10. "Lord,"
said Peter, "you don't sound like yourself." "Well, maybe I've gotten
smarter," said Jesus. "I'm tired of being a sucker." Judas smiled.
11. Jesus said, "Now, cut off his other ear." So Peter took out his
sword and cut the man's ear off. Jesus said, "Finally. 12. Where can I
buy more swords?"
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