Gays Wanting To Be Straight

First, a brief background on what I have to say. It was Friday night last week and my roommates and I were having dinner together ( It was a coincidence that we all met at the right time and place). Clinton was sharing his irritation because a colleague of ours, let's name him X, was insisting he's straight when everyone knew he was gay. X was gay when he was in college and it was only now that he's here in Manila that he's trying to fool everybody by insisting he's not gay, said Clinton.

Apparently, Clinton was pissed off at X's insistence and I, unfortunately, was the sounding board for this frustration. Not that I disliked the role though (in fact, I relished it) but it got me into thinking about homosexuality which has always been a tenuous issue in my side of the world.

First, I have to say that my view on homosexuality has radically changed since I was in first year college. Being with gay classmates and gay friends (Unavoidable actually. I'm part of the Humanities Division of ADDU so gayness abounds everywhere I go) has taught me tolerance and acceptance. As a Christian, I am called to preach the doctrine of Love, being the central message of Christ's ministry, and love cannot and will never be confined to fit gender or any of our societal conventions. That's what I've learned and that is how I have come to understand and accept that homosexuality, another manifestation of love, need not be perverse, unnatural or downright immoral ( of course, there are still certain parameters to be followed just like in any other human relationship but I won't go into that right now).

Now, going back, I say that gays have come a long way since. A lot of gays encourage their fellow gays and gays-in-hiding to come out of the closet, to shake off self-delusion and accept who they really are.

But what if it is the other way around? What if a gay insists or wants to be straight? I'm asking this question because I think it reflects what I've heard from Clinton and his situation with our colleague, X.

Clinton insists, and he's right in saying this, that a person's sexual orientation is difficult, or even almost impossible to change. A gay will always be gay, ika nga. Hence, any talk of a gay trying to be straight then is out of the question and any attempt at this should be frowned upon. But why is that so?

For me, this is unfair and downright hypocritical. We encourage a gay person to be true to his nature but when he wants to be straight, we don't support him because he's not being honest to himself. That's trash. What if that person really wants to be straight, not because of any kind of peer or familial pressure, but because he really wants to? Shouldn't we support him all the more instead?

Kung ako lang, as long as the person is happy with what he's doing and as long as he's not lying to himself about what he wants, I back him up. And I believe X needs all the help he can get. Trying to be straight is a lifetime task: it doesn't happen in a snap. And it doesn't help that X has to be surrounded with people who refuse to believe, who refuse to accept, who refuse to support X's decision to be straight.

Let's give X the benefit of the doubt, shall we? And let's make him feel that he can count on us to be there to support him.

Letter to the Blogger

Dear Paolo,

I've been following your blog for some time now and I am duly impressed that, amidst your busy schedule, you have been finding time, and money, to write a post every now and then. It has been several weeks already and you haven't neglected it, a far cry from your first attempt at blogging where you never wrote a post at all.

With this, I want to point to you some concerns of mine regarding your entries. Yes, the inclusion of biblical passages at the end of each post is a nice touch, as it is your own pathetic way of encapsulating your experiences and relating it to the Bible. Your intention of including these passages ("So that people who read my blog can also read a portion of the Bible and thus may not be left in the dark") is "admirable" or, should I say, amusing.

But unfortunately, that is the only positive thing I can say about your blog. This is because your entries are but sordid attempts to document your life. Though there is nothing wrong in pursuing such an endeavor, I believe this goal is too limited, too narcissistic, too ordinary, too "not you".

As I remember, you have had high hopes for this blog. When you were in college, your overall (and downright corny) ambition was: to speak and write for those who could not. In writing this blog, you envisioned to write those topics which you were passionate about but which others never cared to write.

Where are these topics now, Paolo? Do I see them in your blog? I'm afraid not because you were busy writing about your stupid work, writing about mundane things which do not reflect anything at all about you.

I ask you now. Have you written anything about something or someone you truly care about? Have you written something about your family? About your mother and father and the love story they share? About your sisters and how deeply you care about them? About your brothers and how proud you are of what they can do and how you regret deeply that you were not a very good kuya? About your extended families, your lolas and lolos, your cousins, your titos and titas, each and every one of them who has a testimony about life that only you are interested to write? Have you ever written about your lovelife, or the people you've met in high school, college, and now, at work? Have you written about your convictions in life, your interests, your stance on issues, your view of religion, of Christianity, of politics, of your dreams and ambitions, of your insecurities and frustrations, of your personality and of other people's stories, of your hopes and your joys? About God?

I am asking you this because I want to remind you. Your blog must not simply be an avenue to talk about your everyday happenings, or of the latest products, movies, books, whatever. It is supposed to be more than that. It is where you bare your soul to the world.

Please do not disappoint me. Before you started this blog of yours, you knew that this is what you want to happen. Now, it's time to set the record straight.

Sincerely,

Paolo Ray E. Bataller

Addict!

It's 9:08am in the morning. Saturday Morning. I'm in the office. Last night, I went straight to the office to catch up on some work. I had to print recipient details on envelopes for our Christmas cards. Really dull but also really time-consuming work. I went at it at 8:30pm until 1:00pm. I slept at the office right after, woke up at 3:30am (because the air conditioner was not letting me sleep; it was on but I could have been in the middle of the desert for all I care.) then proceeded work again. Finally, I finished at 8:00 and went out to have some breakfast.

Right now, I still have work to do before I go home (ISO Audit Preparations, 2 Program Scripts, Presentation Skit). But I'm already groggy and I know I've exceeded my limit. Oh well, what choice do I have? Now, I got to get back to work. There's no way I'm not filing an OT for this.

"Six days you shall labor and do all your work," - Exodus 20:9

Bye, Bye, Christmas Gift

I got to write this down. Because I want to prove still that I'm rational despite my absurd decision this morning.

It all started with my boss and I hauling giveaways for an event next week. He mentioned casually that he has shoes, Nike shoes of the same size as my feets' (9 inches), which he has been meaning to give to me.

Now, I sort of knew that he intended those shoes as my Christmas gift. Gian, my colleague, had already mentioned that Sir Bong will be giving out gifts this Christmas. Only this week, he had already given Ejie his gift: an external hard drive.

He offered to give me the Nike shoes. Well, he had worn it but, knowing Sir Bong, he would give shoes which would still appear brand-new. And you know what my reply was? My wondrous, oh-so insane reply?

"That's okay sir. Just give it to a person who cannot buy Nike shoes."

I blurted it out before I even digested it. Sir Bong said that at least he offered. But I was left thinking, " What was I saying?!"

Now, I'm going to rationalize my response because I don't want to regret my decision. Sure, Nike shoes are great and I haven't had a pair like...like never. But what I really wanted to say was if Sir Bong was meaning to give Nike shoes, he could at least give it to someone who cannot afford them or someone who really needs shoes.

I'm not trying to be gallant or virtuous ( By the way, for the record, I can buy Nike shoes anytime I want to but I don't because I don't see the point of buying branded, expensive products when cheap and durable ones are available) But I'm a simple guy, with simple needs and wants in life. Nike shoes on me just isn't my style, even if they were given as a gift. Unfortunately, I think my response didn't come across to Sir Bong the way it should have come across.

Another reason why I don't wear branded stuff is I hate the feeling of being guilty. I don't know. Maybe, it's just innate. But every time I wear something new and expensive, I feel bad, like I know the money for that purchase could have been used for something more worthwhile. It's weird.

Anyway, I got some work to do. We just had our staff meeting with a speaker from Gawad Kalinga. Forgot his name though.

Sorry. No Bible Verse. Not one I can think of, right now.

Walking Time Bomb

May sasabog sa loob ng ilang linggo.

May sasabog sa loob ng ilang linggo.

Time to pray like I'm going to Hell.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

Just My Luck

Yesterday was probably the luckiest day I had ever since I came to Manila.

We had a BOM (Boys Of Marketing) team-building activity for the whole day. It was simply great. Sir Bong made it a point that we were all stuffed like pigs. First thing we did in the morning was go to Palms Country Club to play basketball and go swimming (right now, my body is still feeling sore from all that exercise. I've not played basketball since last year's intrams, by the way. And lo and behold! My right shoulder didn't bother me anymore like it did the last time I shot hoops).

Then we had lunch in my boss' residence (Goodness, he's so loaded!). It was a feast: a plateful of tawilis ( or something like that - small, fried fish you could just pop right into your mouth), the yummiest lumpia veggies I ever had, all the rice I could get inside my gullet, grilled pusit and liempo. But that wasn't the finale yet. My boss bought this cake, Death By Chocolate (wonder if they have those in Davao City. Hmmm.) and it was the best cake I ever had: dark chocolate cake sprinkled generously with chocolate shavings, layered with chocolate fillings, decorated with chocolate balls and and bordered by slabs of solid chocolate on the side. Right now, I'm still drooling over yesterday.

We met my boss' wife and kids and went home. Traffic was bad ( lesson learned: never take the east service road from Sucat to FTI during peak hours. No, let's just make that never.) and we spent almost an hour in transit because of it. As for me, I had another concern to worry about. There was a billiards tournament my company sponsored last night and I had to be there to set up the company tarpaulin. Only problem is I also had to have four players to represent the company ( It was the Fourth LGC Doblete Challenge. On last year's doblete challenge: http://www.dos1.com.ph/?q=node/27) and it seemed the persons we invited could not come.

Last part: I went to the venue alone because when I went home, I could not find anyone who could play for the company ( Not even my colleagues in Marketing were there to participate. Gian was off to some party and Eji wanted to go home because he wanted to rest. Great. And we just came back from a "team-building" activity and nobody was there to give me support, to be with me, in an event. Come to think of it, I was tired too, you know! ) So I went off to Hobbies of Asia, really down because of my ineptitude (I had four complimentary tickets but no players; I wasn't inclined to join the tournament since I did not know how to play. Who was I kidding?). I set up the tarp and lingered in the venue.

But guess what? They made me participate in the tournament! I protested because I really did not know how to play billiards (Ok. That was not exactly true; I do play billiards - in the computer. That's what comprises my entire experience in this sport). But still they paired me up with Michael Cruz of Agility, who was, well, competitive (But that guy was something. He really could play. People probably had fun looking at us because every time I took my shots, he was on the opposite side of the table coaching me on what angle to take.)

And so we played. And I was surprised. We made it through the eliminations, then we made it through the quarter finals, then the semi-finals! We became the champions of the Executive Division! How in the world did that happen?! And to think that there were more experienced, more trained (praktisado) players in our midst.

Of course, we battled it out on a best-of-three with the champions of the Employees Division (we lost: we lost the first game because we did not call the shot on the 8 ball, we won the second but we lost the third. Life's tough). But still, who would have thought that I, a first-timer in a Billiards tournament, would be part of a championship tandem? Who would have thought?!

I also won the grand raffle prize: a mini-billiards table worth 7,000 pesos. But I gave it to Nino Gil, a fellow companion in the tournament, a fellow Davao city folk from Toril and an Air21 employee, because it was simply a hassle on my part (Let me rationalize why I'm giving away a raffle prize worth that much. First: that prize does not belong to me. It belongs to the company because of the policy that I have to turn over to HR any raffle prize won in a company-sponsored event. That's depressing and I have to go through the trouble of bringing it home then to the office? No way! Second: Gil mentioned of cousins back in Davao City who would love to have this table as a Christmas gift. If I turn it over to the company, it would become a raffle prize to be won by employees who could easily afford to buy their own billiard sets. So why not give this prize to those who, like me, could barely afford to buy this luxury?).

So the day ended with me going home in a cab with a taxi driver from Cagayan de Oro, a stuffed stomach and a trophy with a big "Champion" written on it. God is good.

"You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. " - 2 Corinthians 9:11

Miracle Daw.

First of all, I'm not the type of person who spreads chain mail, chain text, chain messages, or chain letters. That's strictly not my personality. But I made an exception yesterday out of sheer curiosity.

My friend, Rogelyn, forwarded to me a text message, which went like this:

"Jesus never fails. He knows your desires. He's looking at your tears." - send this to 9 people and tomorrow you'll see a miracle - it works. Don't keep this message unsent.

So out of sheer irrationality, I forwarded this message to eleven people I haven't contacted for years ( although I initially counted 9 by the way).

Come this morning, this message was the furthest thing in my mind. I went off to work and hid the phone in my bag ( as usual, silent mode). To my pleasant surprise, when I checked my phone, someone miscalled me at 1:22:39pm today, November 12, 2008.

The caller? It was simply named (no number), and indeed, when I tried to call back, I couldn't because there was no freaking number!

Well, was that a miracle? I doubt it. That's probably a commercial gimmick by SMART. Anyway, the good thing about this little deviation is that I reminded 11 people about Jesus. But still, the 9 pesos I "wasted" on that texting spree keeps nagging at me.

You're about to say "Cheapskate" huh?

"And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith." - Matthew 13:58

House of the Three Magis

Three Magis. That would refer to me, Clinton and Kit. Haha. Just got bitten by the Christmas fever, hence the corny title.

Anyway, our house is not really a house but a room. And we live in the Casibang compound, along Champaca Street in Bicutan, Taguig City.

Our room is not much to look at, though we pay P4,500.00 a month to call it our own. It has a bedroom, which we've converted to a "walk-in" closet; a sala where we sleep; and a kitchen, which is equipped with a sink perennially clogged by all kinds of nasty detritus. The floor is always dirty,but that's because we hardly bother to sweep it every week ( although I've waxed it twice for the past five months). All in all, our room is quite shabby but at least we have a cheap place to sleep, which is already a blessing.

We three have experienced a lot of things in that house. We've had surprise visitors, say: a centipede which was as long as my outstretched hand ( to digress, we are actually located at the back of the Taguig Pateros District Hospital, so that makes for a convenient set-up if ever we find ourselves in a life-and-death situation because of a bite-happy centipede). The thought of a centipede lurking in our room can make grown-up boys behave like sissies and that's exactly what we did: we slept in Pansit's room that night. Hehe.

We've also had Stuart Little, a mouse which was so cute and small I couldn't kill it. I've let it go several times actually, vowing to kill it if it gets big enough and starts nibbling on my toes for dinner.

Of course, we have the usual pests: the flying cockroaches, the voracious ants which I happily feed with the carcasses of dead cockroaches ( brings shivers down my spine) , and the termites, which feed on our TORs, birth certificates and other important documents ( this happened to Kit).

In the past five months, we've had several mishaps already. Our two lights have stopped functioning (one still flickers and one is already dead). Our outlet seems to be broken: it has short-circuited two electric fans already. Imagine that: no electric fan in Metro Manila ( horror of horrors). We've also had a flood in the house in the middle of the night ( which was kinda weird. My suspicion is that the water came from our next-door neighbors' improperly closed bathroom faucet. But whereas, our room was filled with ankle-deep water, their room stayed relatively dry. Ironic. In addition, our rooms are separated by a concrete wall so I'm still at a loss as to how the water got through). The only thing that hasn't happened to us yet is we haven't had a fire or a forced robbery (knock on wood)!

So that's our house. Kit has entertained the notion that a spirit is responsible for all these crazy incidents. As for me, I honestly don't know. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe, next time, I can post pictures and try to examine for any shadowy specters of sorts.

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." - Ecclesiastes 7:14

"Walang Iwanan"

And I thought I'll be coming home to Davao for good.

Just had a talk with my boss this afternoon. Told himI'll be submitting my 30 days notice on November 5 but I ended up committing to stay until December instead.

Only two words made the difference. Never mind what he said about me being good, competent and all that cake (which I'm not anyway. I'm not a marketing person.). When he said, "Walang iwanan", I knew I could not simply resign.

Before that, I had my little spiel all tucked in my mind. I don't like my job because: it involves working with people who, shall we say, are "interesting". Perhaps, a better way to say it is I don't like my job because it involves working with people, period. You see, I am an introvert by heart and as much as I want to reach out, talk to people, approach them, that is one part of me which I can never reject. As I said then, " Mas gugustuhin ko pa yung trabaho kung saan kalaban mo lang ang utak mo". Or in other words, I like a job where my success in work is not contingent on other people but only through my own efforts.

Well, apparently, I would have wanted to say that I'm really missing my family. But, among the "grass weeds", who isn't?

So I was stuck there with my boss as he explained that we all have to stick it out until the work gets done and we have to do it together. Our department is what it is now because our predecessors, shrewdly realizing the immensity of the work, chose to resign.

Walang iwanan. That struck a chord.

In all honesty, I was not thinking of merely walking away. I was determined to finish all my deliverables by December 5. But now, things have changed. I'm staying on till December. I'm going to work my head off till Christmas comes. By then, I'll finally decide if I am to stay or leave. By that time, nobody is stopping me.

Now, do I like my job? I'm not pretending anymore. Gone are the days when I psyche myself up, saying I love marketing. I don't and I'm taking off my mask. I was simply thrown here by circumstance. But God knows I want to make things better before I leave. I'm sticking with this stupid job and I'll give it my best.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. " - Romans 5:3-4