I want to share something I picked up in my community. Way back, I attended a talk by McDo Millana, our branch head in Lingkod, which was about Christian sexuality. McDo gave a basic outline of the matters relating to how brothers were expected to conduct themselves and behave towards the opposite sex.
One area that was discussed in depth was courtship. It was explained that brothers are encouraged to adopt a different view of it. Jessie, a fellow brother, would later explain that this view is merely recommendatory, not mandatory, but it is something which each brother should at least consider and aspire given how much success it has spawned for couples in the community, many of whom are leading stable and happy marriages.
How different? Well, first, the motive to court someone has to be grounded in the anticipation of marriage. This is in stark contrast to the motives behind most courtships. In the latter case, the guy is courting a girl without thinking about marriage. He simply wants to court a girl because he loves her and wants to be her companion. Most often, courtship is merely a prelude to consensual sex or an avenue for both to experiment and discover their preferences in a partner.
The second differentiating factor is in the readiness of the man. The community encourages men to court only when he is certain that he is emotionally ready and financially stable. This is a pretty big hurdle, especially on the financial aspect. But it does limit the pool of suitors to only those who are ready to go through the process. Boys with unresolved emotional issues or are downright broke have no place engaging in this business.
The third differentiating factor is in the timing of the process. Courtships, from initial dates up to the marriage proposal itself, should last anywhere from two to three years. Anything beyond that and you have to wonder if the couple is really suited for marriage. This turns on its head the more popular notion that couples have indefinite timelines and are entitled to postpone marriage until both are ready.
What is the end result? Personally, by putting a premium on the value of courtship, this different view aims to ensure that a marriage starts well way before the couple actually says their vows in church. In the words of Sir Chris, a colleague and a member of the Light of Jesus, these 'restrictions' minimize the hurt that people can inflict on each other in such an intimate relationship. Likewise, in the words of McDo, arrangements like these reduce the waste in time, money, and emotions typically spent in a prolonged courtship between two unprepared individuals, resources which are better served spent elsewhere in either service or self-discovery.
Of course, such a view is unpopular. Tessa, another colleague, pointed out the inherent disadvantages of adopting this perspective: What if the girl is courted by someone else because you aren't ready? What if both of you simply love each other?
Again, this view is only a recommendation. Still, Jessie has only two words to support this view: it works.
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